Journal

*Disclaimer* These journal entries are all from my Study Abroad trip from last year. My blog is acting as my current journal.

May 13th, 2007:

“I’m sitting here somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean trying to take in what’s happening…In 9 hours and 49 minutes, I will set foot on the continent I’ve wanted to visit more than any other. War, genocide, poverty, famine, AIDS, and hate has rippled to every corner of Africa over the past century and I will finally get a glimpse of what that truly means. Words, books, movies, and news stories can only go so far, but now my eyes can really see what it is like for the non-westerners to go through their daily lives with so much pain.”

May 14th, 2007:

“When the plane hit the ground, my heart raced wildly and I saw out of the tiny porthole a world completely different from my own. The colors were more neutral. The dirt was red like you hear about in the movies. That small window became more than a window, but another glimpse, one closer than I’d ever had of Africa. At least one of my senses is no longer a foreigner. Although I have yet to really hear its sounds and smell its air, I have at least seen the country with my own two eyes.”

“I opened the window and let the cool damp air surround us. The drive was spectacular. The rains had just departed, but it left behind a fleet of gorgeous, low-laying clouds that hugged the mountains as we drove through them. The smell was too much for me. It smelled like a rain forest. And those stars. I couldn’t avert my eyes. They were flawless — brighter than anywhere back home, even in the middle of the plains there were never that many stars! I’m here and still haven’t fully realized that tonight I will be sleeping in South Africa. It makes my soul dance just to think of it and now those thoughts and dreams are reality.”

May 15th, 2007:

“We didn’t want to leave. I felt like I couldn’t leave. I developed a relationship with these kids and they loved us. We inspired them and gave them hope at such a young age, but then as fast as we arrived, we left…to go to our next stop. We couldn’t nurture them. We couldn’t help them anymore. Sure, others could but what right do we have to go back to our comfortable luxury-lives as we leave them behind to grow up in a community and a world that neglects them. They have that as a reality and we’ll never be able to help them again. I felt ashamed.”

May 16th, 2007

“For the second straight day I woke up right on cue, 10 minutes before my alarm sounded. It was as if I knew and was preparing to get up for another mystic sunrise over the mountains with the ocean and its waves calling the sun to rise.”

“After the bell sounded, it was play time. Kids poured out to play soccer and volleyball and other various activities. My group of kids wanted to play soccer with me so they went to get a ball and we began once teams were chosen and goals were created with rocks. Those kids amazed me. They love that sport. They were very good and we played for quite some time. The bell rang and kids filed back in, but not mine. They…we continued to play until we were the only ones left. There was no teacher available to bring them back inside. So, they kept playing. Long after I said my goodbyes and had to leave, they continued to play.”

“He asked if we were going back to the Living Hope Center. I had to painfully tell him no. As our group filed back into the convi, I told him my, now-for-sure, final goodbye. It broke my heart. As if yesterday wasn’t enough I had to leave them, and especially him, again. I could barely watch as we drove away. My eyes swelled up and I sat speechless staring out the window. I couldn’t take it. I could make a difference in these kids’ lives. I know I could, but I can’t because we’re leaving. Again. At lunch I could barely eat. What gives me the right to eat well, but not those kids just a few miles away? I felt guilty and unworthy. I couldn’t even force myself to smile.”

May 17th, 2007

“The kids came and began singing a few songs in Xhosa. It was beautiful. Absolutely stunning. We played games. Taught each other many songs. I walked around with my camera trying to capture as much of the beauty that I could. There was a hill right behind the church looking over a valley. The view was out of this world. The kids had some of the most gorgeous smiles I’ve ever seen anywhere. They stopped my heart. I just sat there and stared and took pictures. I couldn’t even participate.”

“These people were living in an entire village full of shacks. Cardboard. Tin. Wood. Fire for heat. Clotheslines. Stray dogs. Stray chickens. Children. Everything you could possibly think of when you hear the word poverty was there yet they were so happy and proud of their homes.”

“What I learned more than anything in that moment is that people are people are people no matter where they are or what situation they are in. Children everywhere laugh and smile when played with and tickled. Adults will always look out for what’s best for those children. Community is everything. Happiness is personal and can’t be earned. Everyone wants what is best and safest for themselves and their families. Everyone tries to better their lives to the best of their ability and no one wants to be alone. America. South Africa. Mexico. Europe. It’s all the same everywhere you go. Skin color won’t change it. Religion won’t. Culture and location won’t. Language barriers will not. How can we hate each other when we ARE each other? How can we go to war with other people when we ARE other and different people ourselves? I just believe in hope and in people. I’ve seen too much good shining through the evil.”

“The mountains seemed to glow a little extra and the water seemed to be a little more colorful. It was cold, but watching the sunset from the rolling waves was something I’ll never forget. My mouth tasted of salt. My ears were filled with water and my shorts kept flying off, but it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. God-beautiful perfect. I didn’t want to go. It was the perfect end to another perfect day. I am seriously falling in love with this place like never before. The mountains. The ocean. The people. The love. The need. The hope. It’s so much more than what I feel anywhere in America. I could end up here…I really could.”

May 19th, 2007:

“I marveled at how we’ve only been here for 6 days, and it seems like 6 years. It seems like an eternity. I’ve grown so much and matured so much. I feel more focused and more driven. My mind is clear and I see a bigger and broader picture which I just can’t do back home with all the distractions. Crazy what life without televisions and watches and phones can do to a person. Since being here, I’ve watched my faith come back and come alive in ways that I haven’t felt in a long time and it feels so good. So refreshing. Like a deep breath. Or a cool glass of water. I’m just so thankful to be here. It’s so beautiful.”

May 20th, 2007:

“The penguins were adorable. So cute and little and sweet. Then we drove down to Cape Point, saw some baboons on the side of the road and in the middle of the road and all over. The drive to the point was unbelievable. On the right was the crazy and hectic Atlantic Ocean while on the left was the calm and subdued Indian, and further south they would meet for the first time. Unreal.”

May 21st, 2007:

“They knew they were the future government, even in such horrendous conditions. They knew they would have to forgive and reconcile and teach love even to the guards who beat them. His dad was shot 9 times by a man who is currently his friend. They pray, worship, and have drinks with men who once tortured them. Incredible. He then took us around the rest of the prison and led us into a hallway that contained Mandela’s cell. ‘Here is where the leader stayed,’ as if giving him respect even now. It wasn’t life in prison. It wasn’t hell on earth. It was just where he ’stayed’ for the brief 27 years before he was released and elected president. What a man, if even his fellow inmate felt that much love for him. Moving to say the least. What compassion. What motivation and dedication and conviction. I felt unworthy and childish.”

“The conversation heated and turned personal when she asked about America’s reaction to 9/11 and how we’ve been able to cope and move on. How can we move on as a nation when there is so much passion and anger just in our group alone?! In many ways we are so far behind as a country — so powerful, yet so afraid…of anyone, anything, everyone, and everything.”

May 22nd, 2007:

“It really was a bitter-sweet moment because on one side it was hard knowing that everything I went through and experienced was now being left behind, but on the other, I knew that I’d be back next year (hopefully) and if not then, at least sometime in the not-too-distant future. It still hurt to say goodbye to a land that I had fallen in love with. I popped on my South Africa soundtrack as we drove knowing perfectly well that the music coincided with my journey: moving, heart-breaking, and hopeful all at the same time. No doubt I’d be back.”